Life Kinda Gets in the Way

So I managed to miss Friday, Saturday, and Sunday; this after I reported Friday would be a good day. And it was! For the most part; with one niggling little needle that just feels like further of the effing of the uing from my previous employer. But let's accentuate the positives, no?

Friday we finalized my adoption of my step-daughter, heretofore known as the ANT, and as our attorney put it, the law caught up with what our family already knew, I am her father (it is true, it is possible). Henceforth, she is the ANT-B. She took a hyphenated name to blend her and my families into an identity completely her own. Who knows, maybe someday in the future there will be a lot of T-B's and they can look back at this and place the blame squarely on me. I did that. And I couldn't be happier or prouder.

Except, I could be. That same day my unemployment insurance benefits were denied because in Oklahoma if you're fired from a job you're not initially eligible for "UI." You can appeal it (I did) to plead your case (I will). But, let's not stew on that topic for any longer than it took to type this up. Frankly, I need to wash my hands of it. I'm not going down without a fight, as one might say, but the truth of the matter is, I no longer work there, the place was making me sick, it's time to move on.

Also on Friday I visited Tulsa Tech, the more colloquially lauded of the technical colleges 'round these parts. There wasn't a lot I could actually do on campus, as most of their admissions process has been moved online. You'd think I'd be fine with that, but I'm that late-Gen-X-er who is totally hip to technology, but also appreciates a good face to face to make your case; be that applying for a job, money, or carnal favors. But I got the ball rolling as it were, armed with some new knowledge. I applied online, answering them their questions three (my favorite color is blue...NO!), and set up an appointment to visit the campus-in-specific to the medical coding course for this upcoming Thursday in the afternoon.

That same day I also have my next therapy appointment. Looking back, you'll recall that I was supposed to initiate situations, but let others control them, asking for jobs, letting someone else steer a conversation, yada yada yada, well, tomorrow I have an interview with one of the things I randomly applied for over ZipRecruiter. Then, on Wednesday, I have a sit-down with another temp agency. So, middle of my week is all about growth and exploration. That should do my therapist proud, right?

The question now is, though, do I go back to work or do I commit to becoming a full-time student? Do I take a full-time job and try to power through the part-time, online medical coding courses? Do I look for a shit-paying part time job that offers evenings and risk stressing myself out and limiting time with my family? There's no obvious answer here, however I'm inclined to get back to work. Yes, becoming a student would be a change of pace, and in the long run could be doubly lucrative compared to my recent plight, but it would be a huge burden on my family considering my debt and the lack of income I provided toward room, board, and entertainment. I'm not providing right now at all, and the bills are fast approaching.

Remember what I said about being that late-Gen-X-er? I may be lazy, I may be depressed, I may be stressed out through my gills, but I feel a sense of responsibility to provide for my family. I'm not trying to be manly here, I just want to make sure ends meet and there's some spare change for the cookie jar.

This is all the trap of anxiety, though. I'm worrying about variables that aren't even there. Well, none that have transpired just yet, anyway. I have an interview, a meeting, a therapy appointment, and a tour scheduled. That's it. I don't have a new job, I've not been enrolled into classes, all I've got are some leads that I will check out in the next few days. Decisions completely out of my hands will play into every one of those planned encounters and all I can do is be the best me that I can be; though, not that mask of me.

There's probably gonna be a lot of chill pills.

"And where the fear has gone...
Only I will remain."

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