First of all, you might notice things have changed around here. But things aren't any different, just a new coat of paint on these tired, old, digital walls. Also this might make it possible for me to have ads blaring from the sidebars to annoy you with and I might make a few cents here and there. Look, I'm a content creator!
Secondly, I know I missed yesterday in addition to missing the entire weekend; so let's talk about habits. I can give you the excuse first, yesterday I had a job interview (at which I'm pretty sure I failed, but hey, experience), but also, I finished reading THE END OF YOUR LIFE BOOK CLUB by Will Schwalbe. I wrote a review over on Goodreads if you're interested, so I won't go too much into that other than to say it's an emotionally draining read. And I mean that in a good way; when you feel connected to and invested with these people, real or imagined, the writer has done an excellent job. But those two things did not take me 16 hours to do, maybe just a couple really. The whole point of trying to write my blog on a daily basis, in an effort to journal, in an effort to connect with you, my imaginary horde, is to make a habit out of writing and facing my daily events, be they struggles, episodes, good days, and bad. But I'm far better at making habits of not making habits.
I'm a habitual liar so I don't have to confess or own up to misdeeds. I try to channel as much of that particular creativity into my writing as I can, but lying has been somewhat ingrained in my character from a very early age.
I'm a habitual procrastinator, and in fact, I'll procrastinate on procrastinating; that's putting off what I was going to do to put off the thing I'm supposed to do in favor of not really doing anything at all. I can blame it on this or that, a migraine (I mention this because currently it's a migraine), or something popped up that needed to be taken care of, or, fuck it, I just played on my phone for an hour with nothing to show for it, not even a rewarding endorphin rush.
Today, I tooled and mucked around with blog settings to freshen up the place, but I could have been doing Rev. I didn't do Rev because I had a meeting at 10am with the temp agency that placed me at my last job and I didn't want to get into a position where I might have to abandon a job. So, essentially, I fucked off.
At the meeting, I didn't really do anything except to say what I'm looking for, which is to say I don't know what I'm looking for. But my test results from nearly six years ago were good enough and the lady was sure there was little to no reason for me to test again, so, she'd look into some leads. Basically, I drove across town to just say "Hi." But, that's okay, because it means my name and resume are active at yet another agency and you never know what's going to pop up when.
So when I got home, I should have kicked into Rev, or wrote, right? Do something personally productive? Sure I did. I mowed the backyard. Believe it or not, that was procrastination. Sure, it needed to be mowed and it'll save me having to do that particular task come this weekend if it's raining, but really? I didn't want to do Rev, I didn't want to write, hell, I didn't want to even play tap games, I just wanted, needed, to do something, other than sit around feeling sorry for myself. So, I made the best of my procrastination and did something worthwhile...I guess. I still feel shitty about it.
What am I doing with my life? This down time? I've applied for jobs nearly every day, I've had a few interviews and meetings, and I'm looking into technical college...oh, that's something I should be working on.
I was given websites to visit to practice the aptitude test before I can gain admittance. I loaded up the math portion and even with a calculator got only 9 out of 15 questions. Math is not my strong suit. Yes, anyone can learn math. Anyone can also learn a new language, it's all about dedication. But math is as foreign and nonsensical to me as trying to teach myself Klingon (which I tried to do in my youth and I still have the dictionary to prove it). I was in several special-ed math classes, especially in middle school. Numbers are hard, man. And now it's a whole new stress; how much weight is the math portion of that test going to count toward getting accepted into school?
And still yet, even under the best of circumstances, there's that 9 month period I would be a full-time student. How am I going to provide for my family? I applied to Best Buy yesterday, thinking, "Okay, shitty retail job with shitty hours, but it might afford me a paycheck while I'm in school..." Except? They rejected my application.
I can't even get a job at Best Buy!
So, the habit I'm forming now is self-doubt, and it's a double dose of self-doubt because I had already crippled myself with that particular foible ages ago and am trying to work through it now. I can't find a job, I'm uncertain I can even get into school to get a better job, and I'm not writing every day. It hurts, physically. I have a headache so bad right now I feel sick. I've taken migraine medicine, liquid courage, and a chill pill, but...it's a dull ache, and it's from the snapping of pride.
I can't even get a job at Best Buy.
But, not all hope is lost, there are countless other retail chain conglomerates to attempt to enslave myself with. I haven't actually been rejected from school, I have to take the test for that to happen, and I might get lucky on that (hopes and prayers appreciated, but also, GoFundMe, please). I could easily get a call from one of the countless jobs I've applied for or get a tip from one of the staffing agencies I'm listed with. I just don't want my new habit to be that of being depressed.
I am depressed, clinically diagnosed, but this being down in the dumps shit is different, it's self-loathing and not at all helpful to any of my causes. I don't know what would spare me, either. Getting a job? Probably not. Getting into school? Just another excuse to not do the thing I think and tell myself I want to be doing. And that's writing.
So, tonight, probably around nine (central, GMT -5), come by my Facebook page and check in, as I'll be doing another live-writing session. I need to commit to that; if there's just one thing a week I do and it involves writing, I've got to keep it up. It's habit I need to make, not break.
"And where the fear has gone...
Only I will remain."