You know those "you're doing it wrong!" pix...that's me...

On the 30th, two days from now, that would be Wednesday, the middle of the week, in June...2010, hello post-06/30/2010 reader's from the future, why the fuck are you reading this? Aren't there planets to be exploding or something? Anyway, this Wednesday, I have been informed that I must call into the Unemployment Insurance headquarters to partake in a phone survey. That HQ is in OKC. Their number would be long distance, as if that means anything to me, I've been cell-phone only going on 10 years now, but they explicitly indicate in the letter they sent that I could incur long-distance charges for a potentially 15 minute call. Hello, I'm unemployed (if this mattered), how is this helping me in an already stressful situation? I (read: the unemployed at large) need to be saving money right now!

The survey, it appears, is regarding my availability to work. I realize they don't want or need mooches taking advantage of the system, but I fill out that survey every week so that I can get my damn check. But I know what's going to happen...I'll report my availability and then I'll be summoned to participate in a job-market class to teach me how to look for a job. I've been here and done this and it is stupid. Unemployment numbers are atrocious and with many companies now looking to exclude previously laid-off individuals as candidates, I'm not getting in any better shape. Your class? Is for bums. I'm not saying there aren't people out there who legitimately need help, but calling a valid jobseeker such as myself to show up to your run-down office for hours a day for weeks at a time is not helping me find a job, not helping my stress levels, and certainly not helping the fact that being unemployed has afforded our family a unique money-saving opportunity (I'm watching the kid vs. a caretaker). I'm hoping, if so scheduled for such seminar, that I can explain the childcare situation and be let out, though I'm sure jury duty rules won't apply.

Last week a staffing agency contacted me directly through an old version of my resume on Monster. I've registered with other staffing agencies, ones I've even found jobs through, and they have not responded in the slightest, even so much as turning me away at the door indicating it's all handled online now (thanks, Key!). I had an almost phone-interview last week with a prospective employer, but upon finding out what I did at Hilti, she thought I was better suited to another word back yet at all. I appreciate the staffing agency's assistance, but prospects are slim, I can see that on a daily basis. I don't have the money to go to school AND pay bills, hell, I don't have the money to pay my bills right now, and the writing career will take years to grow into any sort of fruition. So, I'm stuck considering retail again, which I detest, don't want anything to do with, but I'm broke.

And broken. It hurts so much every day to realize I'm further and further from the last day I got up and went to work. I enjoy my time with the A.N.T., I like being home for the Precious when she arrives, but this depression is making it hard to be gung-ho about finding another job, writing, cleaning, mowing...things I should be all up in, feel like more than chores, they feel like reminders that I am without a job. Which of course means I'm not providing, and damn the male-chauvinism, I feel like I need to be providing right now, it's summer! This should be weekends of fun! Instead it's "I can't afford it."

If any of you know of some awesome mantra's I could recite to gear myself up, I'd love to be using this time to work on the novel and my short stories. Hell, if I could use a month to pin down a draft of the novel to present to an agent, I could start making that into a career. I don't know how writer's do it. I love writing, I'm doing it right as you can very well tell, but opening up one of the chapter files and getting to work seems to take tons more effort than the writing itself. I'm sure a trained psych-ologist/iatrist/etc. could tell me exactly what's wrong and prescribe a drug that would have me producing lines like a Columbian, but I've never been keen on drugs to change mood/viewpoints, even though it would seem that's exactly what I need.

Anyway, it's been almost two months since being laid off and it doesn't appear I'm anywhere near a it's time I really tried this writing thing, make it my job. It's not paying bills and neither will it for a while, but the book isn't going to sell itself, that's my job, and duty to my talent. This is where it looks like I'm motivating myself, but really, I'm going to go pee, check on the pool, fuck around on facebook, and oh shit, it's already five. :(

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